[This was my attempt at a TheDailyMash style article - I did send it to them, but didn't hear back so either they don't accept submissions or it's not funny. For the news background to this piece, see the Lighter Later campaign.

UPDATE Oct 2010: The other excellent UK satirical news site, TheOracleSpeaks, published it instead. Hooray!]

Campaign group BrighterLater last night said that everyone in Britain should gain an extra IQ point all year round. Supporters of the campaign say that it will help reduce accidents, increase the nation’s health and cut CO2 emissions.

“3,000 people a year are killed on Britain’s roads” said Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies. “Most of these deaths are due to drivers who are too stupid to realise that a fundamental part of being behind the wheel is looking where you’re going, rather than fiddling with the stereo, arguing with your spouse or chatting away obliviously on a mobile phone. Increasing the population’s IQ by a point all year round could prevent up to 200 road deaths.”

Others aren’t so sure. “This is clearly an attempt to harmonise more closely with the continent, where people are generally intelligent enough to think that cheese is a more important concern than killing people in wars,” explained conservative MP Barry Forthright. “These campaigners simply want us to surrender to Europe. Meanwhile, this move would drag us even further away from our natural trading partners and fellow dimwits, the US.”

BrighterLater argue that the move would also be better for the environment. Their website explains that although most people are generally keen to reduce their CO2 emissions and are happily using energy saving lightbulbs in an effort to cut their electricity usage, surprisingly few individuals have had the nous to work out that they could simply get out of bed slightly earlier.

“Finally, there’s the issue of health,” explained Prof Brubaker. “Most people are aware that their diet and exercise levels are grotesquely bad for them, but fail to link this fact to the obvious idea that eating better and going outside sometimes could help.

“Whether a single IQ point is going to help them make that connection is another matter though.”